My Burdened Heart

Beneath cold skies of night

My heart beats

Grasping to survive

Trying to not drown

In tears

Quietly I slip into velvet

Blackness

Cold air

Caresses my thoughts

I’m suffocating

Loss of hope

Forgotten dreams

Faith disappears

In the morrow

I’m crushed

Again

My burdened heart

Barely beats

My burdened heart

Beats toward

Nothingness

Nothing becomes safer

Than something

Absent moments

Collide with fears

I’ve no strength

Cold skies of night

Dressed in velvet darkness

Have stolen

My hope

My grace

My faith

(All stories/poems blogged/written/published  by Maryanne Mesplé/Mesple are my property and protected under copyright laws. No part may be used or reproduced in anyway without my permission ~ Maryanne Mesplé) 

The Quivering of Nothing

The space around me trembles

My mind is not still

Quivering objects taunt me

Threaten my reality

Keeping eyes closed

Keeps life still

Gazing down toward

The ground

Assures my logic

I am okay

Looking up

The quivering of nothing

Rattles my head

Keep still I scream!

Stop it!

Chairs don’t dance!

Lamps don’t jump!

My cup does not glide and slide

And shiver when filled!

The space around me quivers

My mind grabs and clings

To what is supposed to be

Not this shivering mess

That surrounds me

(All stories/poems blogged/written/published  by Maryanne Mesplé/Mesple are my property and protected under copyright laws. No part may be used or reproduced in anyway without my permission ~ Maryanne Mesplé) 

Disheartened

I’ve Had It

I'm delusional if I'm a believer in a God.

I'm a complacent stupid fool with my head up my backside if I pray.

I'm hated if I'm a Christian.

I'm hated if I'm Muslim.

I'm hated of I'm Jewish.

I'm hated if I'm Pagan

I'm hated if I'm Buddhist 

I'm hated if I'm Hindu 

I'm hated if I'm Atheist

I'm hated if I'm Agnostic

I'm a stupid sheep that misinterprets the 2nd amendment

If I don't agree with just anyone and everyone owning all the guns they could possible want

And

I'm an angry radical future terrorist that misinterprets the 2nd amendment

If I am a gun owner that owns as many guns that I want.

I am a blind idiot for being an American

Or Australian

Or Iranian

Or Middle Eastern in any way

Or Indigenous 

Or Chinese

Or Korean

Or live anywhere you don't.

I am an uncaring murderer if 

I support Pro Choice

And I am a hypocrite if I’m

Pro Life

Vaccinate! Don't Vaccinate!

It's real! It's a conspiracy and did not happen!

Vote Democrat? I'm a stupid ignorant whiny 

Bleeding heart Liberal trying to destroy America!

Vote Republican? I'm a stupid ignorant

Ego centered money hungry corporate loving fool 

Trying to destroy America!

Recycle, conserve energy, and work toward helping our planet be healthy and 

I'm somehow wrong for caring about the future because I'm being a responsible 

Citizen of Earth.

Don't believe in recycling energy conservation and climate change because God will take care

of Everything and I'm being a responsible citizen of Earth. 

Share pictures of my family and food and I'm stupid and boring
and don't have a life.
Don't post pictures and something is wrong with me, "don't you have a life?'
Share pictures of abused animals to promote a cause and I'm insensitive. Share pictures of cuddly kittens and I'm immature.


I'm always ...

Too thin Too fat Too white Too black Too yellow Too red

Too hungry Too smart Too stupid Too ignorant Too educated

Too dependent Too rich Too poor Too clean Too dirty

Too religious

Too hedonistic 

Too Human!

I'm tired of it all.

I'm exhausted.

I'm disheartened. 

Questions Answered

My Question

Am I a helpless codependant soul

Incapable of being apart from 

Those that dramatize my world? No ...

Am I defined by reckless

Emotions of Egos?

Egos that flail about with intentions of

Demanding penance from me?

Desiring a penance demonstrating self deprecation,

Self Annihilation of my Spirit, my light? No ...

What do I want? Where is God?

Who am I? What is my defining essence?

My Answer

I Am A Co-Arising Eternal expression of God.

I am success defined with and by love,

I am freedom within my expressions, 

I am my passions,

I am the peace and harmony of this moment 

Never to be lost.

I am clarity and focus - I am Attention fired by Intention.

I am in that Gap between the here and the now. 

I draw creativity into my being and then ...

Then I breathe life into my creative expressions to become me.

I am my written voice, my verbal voice, my

Silent unspoken words of pain and joy.

I am the flow of self expression desiring 

To touch hearts and souls in sharing life.

I am What I think and What I say. 

I am THAT part of Creation - The I Am part of what was before me

And what will be after me and what is inside of me.

I am found in the pause between my inhaling and exhaling,

I am that space between my heart and my soul and more.

In That space, That gap,  I find my beginning

 Concocting the recipe of my essence, creating who I AM

So that I may find who I AM and why I AM.

And I know with a quiet earthshaking certainty that ....

I exist because of God - I Will always BE because of GOD.

I am not my Ego, 

I am not what is demanded of me by other Egos,

Egos that unconsciously desire everyone

 to stay lost in pain and suffering ... 

No. I. Am. Not.

With my Questions came my Answers

With my Answers there is release of 

An eternity of tension within me.

My body melts away into my true ethos

Where I am at peace between the

Gaps of my life filled by GOD.

I can now see My true reflection of who I AM,

I see MY essence mirrored back at me.

 In THEIR eyes as they look at me,

And It is like kissing the lips of GOD with my soul

And I tangibly and visually feel the Love of 

Infinity.

Even if I am the only one that sees me, still I am comforted

By knowing YOU know who I am 

All questions answered and peace ensues

Joyful Celebrations of the Day

Being a caregiver for two elderly women, my mom and her baby sister, can be a challenge. I admit I have control issues. Yes, I have a plan as to how my home is to operate and often believe that my plan is doable, my plan is workable, my plan makes sense, and my plan is the path of least resistance. But then, that is my plan and of course, my charges have their own plans for they too have control issues! Like I said, I am challenged and those challenges can be overwhelming.
What helps me keep a toe on the ground is to remember we each experience joy a different way. Not joy like that felt when someone hands you a thousand dollars "just because" but rather  joy that is felt because we are alive, and small things like tasty tomatoes can remind us how alive we are and how delicious life is.

I open the refrigerator and gaze with exasperation ... there are three small containers and each holds beneath its little plastic lid half a tomato.

My mentally handicapped auntie says, "I forgot", when I ask for a rational explanation as to why we need to have 3 halves of tomatoes in 3 separate little containers in the fridge.  My auntie rolls her eyes back in her head while jutting her jaw forward to deliver an explanation summing up why she "forgot" which is her one word that sums up her reasoning -  as I watch and listen, I remind myself to celebrate. I remind myself to see those tomatoes through the eyes of joy and celebrate their presence in our refrigerator. I celebrate and give thanks for those ripe with redness tomatoes that I know my mom and my auntie revel in so much. I celebrate that I have my mom and my auntie to remind me to be thankful for the little things in life, like forgotten halves of tomatoes, and to learn to give up my unrealistic need for control.

My mother is in her late 80's is blind from cataracts, and physically handicapped by a body that is weathered by too many years of obesity and lack of activity. My aunt is mentally handicapped because of an accident while riding a horse when she was 6. My aunt loves horses to this day and has no fear about getting on one even though it was a horse that ran her little body into a clothesline and nearly killed her. I am grateful for my auntie's presence in my home and for her survival after such a horrid accident. Both my mom and my auntie love tomatoes. Tomatoes are one of those small pleasures they have in life. Who am I to question 3 tomato halves? Who am I to dictate how pleasure is served even if forgotten for a brief time in the refrigerator?

As I gaze at my auntie and her little chin attached to a face that has seen way too much hardship, I remind myself that trying to control tomatoes is just not worth my time or energy! Instead, I choose to celebrate the joy that is found in those tomatoes, in 3 separate containers, in the refrigerator - each tomato is a beautiful gift of opportunity. I accept the gift to celebrate joy, and to appreciate that joy is all subjective and we should all respect one another's joyful tasty moments in life.

I am wishing us all the ability to recognize our opportunities to be joyful and to celebrate those moments. We choose how to see and experience life and we can choose to see either chaos or we can choose to see joy. We can choose to become upset and feel like we don't have any control or we can choose to "let it go" and see the gift of life, of love, of hope,   ... may you be blessed as I am.

Heartfelt Hugs,
Ms. M

Fresh Air Clears the Head

 

Image by M. Mesplé  2013

     Whew, I feel like I have had my head in a plastic bag breathing the same stale air for way too long! Even if that bag was a bag from a health food store it was so organically suffocating! Okay, the Metaphor is all about being and feeling stagnate, useless, non-productive and generally hopeless. A self inflicted suffocation is often hard to accept hence the ridiculous length of time it takes to recognize we are our own executioners! Self induced punishment is just stupid but unfortunately it is not until our spirit is almost dead that the proverbial light bulb goes off! The light bulb that reveals those great ideas hiding in the dark recesses of our mind. That 'ol light bulb revealed to me that I needed to get my act together and get away from FACEBOOK. I believe it will eventually be proven that many a life is lost to the mental vacuum that happens when sitting in front of the computer screen or transfixed to your Smartphone checking "your wall" or "your news feed" as if those pages are critical life support in today's society. I snapped out of it and started counting my brain cells only to discover I had lost a large number of neurons but fortunately with a new paradigm of thought I know how to self induce Neurogenesis. I do! I hope!
    

Photo by M.Mesplé 2013

     My face had that blank look as I consumed all the commentary posted about the world's condition and global perspectives of life which is good; diversity is healthy. But more specifically, most of my news was from my circle of connections comprised of family, friends, acquaintances, and those random strangers from near and far away. Those random strangers would become friends because of an affinity that would develop between us. That affinity between myself and a stranger was born from similar likes exposed via news feeds or games. Friendships created exclusively via written opinions or game scores or little virtual tokens would inspire the friend request and its acceptance and soon my circle of friends bloomed like a huge peony! It is not uncommon for many people have 300, 400, or even 2,000 friends! But, seriously, even in the land of the 3-D I can't fill up my fingers and toes with names of local friends! So I diverge and now back to my suffocation: I would get online and my whole countenance would change and my face would get that look, that stare, and that washed out lack of expression that eeriely confirms zombies exist. The zombiefied face is proof that life is being sucked out of your aura and carried away by electrons and ghost particles that deposit your life force bit by bit into a "cloud" somewhere other worldly, or down the street.  Enough! I screamed inside and out, Enough!!!!!!

Photo by M.Mesplé 2010

     It is not that Facebook does not have a good side, it does. I so enjoyed sharing my playtime with my grandchildren or showing pictures of my latest magical concoction in the kitchen or sharing my inspirational musings but  there  is  a  side  to  Facebook  that  is  demoralizing    for me personally. I just had enough! I had enough and knew I had enough every time I felt my heart ache and my stomach knot up in pain and my chest tighten and I could no longer be objective about what I was reading. I could no longer just stare blankly at nor be unmoved by words and or images that glorify automatic weaponry designed specifically for killing human beings included in the same sentence expressing one's undying love for God. I began to twitch when I would read about how filthy and stupid and manipulating Mexican's here in the U.S. illegally (and legally) are because of course they know how to pull the wool over our government's eyes and get everything for free AND all Mexican women scheme and plan on having children only to receive welfare checks! How stupid am I, eh? All these years I could have just gone into the baby making business and not work like a "real American"! After all, I have enough Mexican blood in me straight from Chihuahua Mexico courtesy of my Great Grandmother Refugeo! I could have made a fortune but my baby making days are gone and so too is that gold mine of an opportunity. No, I am not serious about making money having babies and I take offense with anyone who believes this nonsense is true for "Mexicans". Makes me want to eat nails and spit razor blades!

     So,  every night I would sign onto Facebook with my plastic bag over my head and put a lot of effort into being happy and objective while my stomach would twist in knots and my chest muscles would tighten down and make it difficult for me to breathe. Why? Why is because in addition to post about guns and God and illegal Mexicans I began to seeing more and more post implying God cares about money and God wants his people to make lots of money and tithe lots of money to the church so that the church can go out and find more souls to make more money to tithe more and on and on and on! BUT when it comes to starving children then God's opinion was a bit different according to a lot of people dumping information into Facebook's news feeds.  I read people's statements, opinions, and endorsements  inferring that God saw starving children having only themselves and their parents to blame damn it AND people who don't have a job are lazy S.O.B.s! People on unemployment and or receiving food stamps are obviously lazy no good drug addicts or freeloaders that only want to mooch off of those who do have a job (and they have a job because God loves them). What? Yes!!!  AND  the hateful, judgmental commentary only worsened. Here is where that plastic bag over my head began to kill me and here is where I have to raise my hand, and stand up and admit that I became filled with raging anger and nauseating disgust and searing pain in my heart and soul.  People passing judgment on children and their parents and speaking as if they personally are witness to these so called scum bags taking "their" hard earned money is just about as ignorant as one can get. For me, I am speaking about an area where I have real living experience and I know about being part Mexican, I know about being without food and being without clothes and I know about begging for crumbs and stealing to eat and ... UGH!!!!!!!!  I have known of 2 people in my life that truly sucked off the system deliberately and neither one of them is of Mexican heritage and both are beautiful Caucasion women and between them both they only have 3 children. I grew up with guns and God and military and real Vaqueros. I lived for a time when I had no one to care for me, when I watched rats and mice have more to eat than myself or my brothers. I lived where I would play "catch ya" with cockroaches by flipping on and off the light switches and counting how many roaches I could see before the disappeared into the walls. I could go on but I am wanting to get some fresh air.

 Homeless Children photo from Safe and Ready Life 

     I have wonderful friends coaching me to just ignore certain people and be yourself and to not take Facebook so seriously. I don't take Facebook seriously; I take narrow minded racist hate filled ignorant commentary by real people seriously and to heart and it hurts. I can't live with my head inside a plastic bag called Facebook and pretend that everything is okay and that people will just be silly la la la la! No, I cannot do that. I feel that by being on Facebook I am endorsing those hateful people to continue to be hateful. By swallowing my anger I am letting the bully  bully me and give away my power. By spending my time on Facebook I am letting myself disappear into the far reaches of another world that does not fit my soul's expression nor does it reflect my soul's desires. Again, I am not implying that everyone who uses Facebook is an arse for certainly I have used Facebook a lot since 2006. I have really enjoyed  my Facebook time and I have developed real long lasting friendships. I am stating that Facebook has become a venue where a nasty side of our society has a huge voice and I am sorry, I don't have time for nor do I support ugliness. I need to breathe! I need to have my days filled with creative adventures and I need to give expression to my soul 100%. I can live without a constant news feed and without a wall and without watching people whom I thought I knew reveal that I never really knew them. Of course, my perspective of life is only as wide as my path and I know that I have my shadows and that I pass judgment and that I could use a lot more devotion to forgiveness BUT I also know that without Facebook I begin to have clarity about me and what I want and what I need ... and I realize that I don't need to  suffocate myself with that damn plastic bag. 

B R E A T H E and thrive and be alive!