Disheartened

I’ve Had It

I'm delusional if I'm a believer in a God.

I'm a complacent stupid fool with my head up my backside if I pray.

I'm hated if I'm a Christian.

I'm hated if I'm Muslim.

I'm hated of I'm Jewish.

I'm hated if I'm Pagan

I'm hated if I'm Buddhist 

I'm hated if I'm Hindu 

I'm hated if I'm Atheist

I'm hated if I'm Agnostic

I'm a stupid sheep that misinterprets the 2nd amendment

If I don't agree with just anyone and everyone owning all the guns they could possible want

And

I'm an angry radical future terrorist that misinterprets the 2nd amendment

If I am a gun owner that owns as many guns that I want.

I am a blind idiot for being an American

Or Australian

Or Iranian

Or Middle Eastern in any way

Or Indigenous 

Or Chinese

Or Korean

Or live anywhere you don't.

I am an uncaring murderer if 

I support Pro Choice

And I am a hypocrite if I’m

Pro Life

Vaccinate! Don't Vaccinate!

It's real! It's a conspiracy and did not happen!

Vote Democrat? I'm a stupid ignorant whiny 

Bleeding heart Liberal trying to destroy America!

Vote Republican? I'm a stupid ignorant

Ego centered money hungry corporate loving fool 

Trying to destroy America!

Recycle, conserve energy, and work toward helping our planet be healthy and 

I'm somehow wrong for caring about the future because I'm being a responsible 

Citizen of Earth.

Don't believe in recycling energy conservation and climate change because God will take care

of Everything and I'm being a responsible citizen of Earth. 

Share pictures of my family and food and I'm stupid and boring
and don't have a life.
Don't post pictures and something is wrong with me, "don't you have a life?'
Share pictures of abused animals to promote a cause and I'm insensitive. Share pictures of cuddly kittens and I'm immature.


I'm always ...

Too thin Too fat Too white Too black Too yellow Too red

Too hungry Too smart Too stupid Too ignorant Too educated

Too dependent Too rich Too poor Too clean Too dirty

Too religious

Too hedonistic 

Too Human!

I'm tired of it all.

I'm exhausted.

I'm disheartened. 

Questions Answered

My Question

Am I a helpless codependant soul

Incapable of being apart from 

Those that dramatize my world? No ...

Am I defined by reckless

Emotions of Egos?

Egos that flail about with intentions of

Demanding penance from me?

Desiring a penance demonstrating self deprecation,

Self Annihilation of my Spirit, my light? No ...

What do I want? Where is God?

Who am I? What is my defining essence?

My Answer

I Am A Co-Arising Eternal expression of God.

I am success defined with and by love,

I am freedom within my expressions, 

I am my passions,

I am the peace and harmony of this moment 

Never to be lost.

I am clarity and focus - I am Attention fired by Intention.

I am in that Gap between the here and the now. 

I draw creativity into my being and then ...

Then I breathe life into my creative expressions to become me.

I am my written voice, my verbal voice, my

Silent unspoken words of pain and joy.

I am the flow of self expression desiring 

To touch hearts and souls in sharing life.

I am What I think and What I say. 

I am THAT part of Creation - The I Am part of what was before me

And what will be after me and what is inside of me.

I am found in the pause between my inhaling and exhaling,

I am that space between my heart and my soul and more.

In That space, That gap,  I find my beginning

 Concocting the recipe of my essence, creating who I AM

So that I may find who I AM and why I AM.

And I know with a quiet earthshaking certainty that ....

I exist because of God - I Will always BE because of GOD.

I am not my Ego, 

I am not what is demanded of me by other Egos,

Egos that unconsciously desire everyone

 to stay lost in pain and suffering ... 

No. I. Am. Not.

With my Questions came my Answers

With my Answers there is release of 

An eternity of tension within me.

My body melts away into my true ethos

Where I am at peace between the

Gaps of my life filled by GOD.

I can now see My true reflection of who I AM,

I see MY essence mirrored back at me.

 In THEIR eyes as they look at me,

And It is like kissing the lips of GOD with my soul

And I tangibly and visually feel the Love of 

Infinity.

Even if I am the only one that sees me, still I am comforted

By knowing YOU know who I am 

All questions answered and peace ensues

Joyful Celebrations of the Day

Being a caregiver for two elderly women, my mom and her baby sister, can be a challenge. I admit I have control issues. Yes, I have a plan as to how my home is to operate and often believe that my plan is doable, my plan is workable, my plan makes sense, and my plan is the path of least resistance. But then, that is my plan and of course, my charges have their own plans for they too have control issues! Like I said, I am challenged and those challenges can be overwhelming.
What helps me keep a toe on the ground is to remember we each experience joy a different way. Not joy like that felt when someone hands you a thousand dollars "just because" but rather  joy that is felt because we are alive, and small things like tasty tomatoes can remind us how alive we are and how delicious life is.

I open the refrigerator and gaze with exasperation ... there are three small containers and each holds beneath its little plastic lid half a tomato.

My mentally handicapped auntie says, "I forgot", when I ask for a rational explanation as to why we need to have 3 halves of tomatoes in 3 separate little containers in the fridge.  My auntie rolls her eyes back in her head while jutting her jaw forward to deliver an explanation summing up why she "forgot" which is her one word that sums up her reasoning -  as I watch and listen, I remind myself to celebrate. I remind myself to see those tomatoes through the eyes of joy and celebrate their presence in our refrigerator. I celebrate and give thanks for those ripe with redness tomatoes that I know my mom and my auntie revel in so much. I celebrate that I have my mom and my auntie to remind me to be thankful for the little things in life, like forgotten halves of tomatoes, and to learn to give up my unrealistic need for control.

My mother is in her late 80's is blind from cataracts, and physically handicapped by a body that is weathered by too many years of obesity and lack of activity. My aunt is mentally handicapped because of an accident while riding a horse when she was 6. My aunt loves horses to this day and has no fear about getting on one even though it was a horse that ran her little body into a clothesline and nearly killed her. I am grateful for my auntie's presence in my home and for her survival after such a horrid accident. Both my mom and my auntie love tomatoes. Tomatoes are one of those small pleasures they have in life. Who am I to question 3 tomato halves? Who am I to dictate how pleasure is served even if forgotten for a brief time in the refrigerator?

As I gaze at my auntie and her little chin attached to a face that has seen way too much hardship, I remind myself that trying to control tomatoes is just not worth my time or energy! Instead, I choose to celebrate the joy that is found in those tomatoes, in 3 separate containers, in the refrigerator - each tomato is a beautiful gift of opportunity. I accept the gift to celebrate joy, and to appreciate that joy is all subjective and we should all respect one another's joyful tasty moments in life.

I am wishing us all the ability to recognize our opportunities to be joyful and to celebrate those moments. We choose how to see and experience life and we can choose to see either chaos or we can choose to see joy. We can choose to become upset and feel like we don't have any control or we can choose to "let it go" and see the gift of life, of love, of hope,   ... may you be blessed as I am.

Heartfelt Hugs,
Ms. M